It has been a really long time since I last posted anything and this, I think, is a reflection of the fact that this has been a phase of a lot of confusion, debate and self-doubt. Sometimes I almost wish that my mind would go blank, even for the teeniest little while. That would perhaps be so much more peaceful than the multitude of ideas, doubts, questions and halfway-there answers. It is not as if I have stumbled across some great question. Just these small niggling doubts. They flit by, stay awhile and then fly away before I manage to personally rid myself of them. This has been happening for quite some time now, but never such that it made me stop so long and think seriously.
I think it all culminated when someone told me in a matter-of-fact manner that the only reason I write is apparently so that people may read and admire and talk about it. And that flummoxed me since I had always told myself that I write for my satisfaction, for the creative purpose, even as a personal need for expression... that it does not matter what others think about my writing and so on. The straightforward response from a friend whose opinion I value made me examine whether I had been entirely honest with myself. And when I realised that there is surely a part of me that flourishes on the admiration, the comments and the very idea that there are people out there that read my stuff... I decided that this cannot continue. You see, it has always been ingrained upon us that selfishness is bad. Self-love or an obvious and openly accepted desire to be liked is frowned upon. And so I decided that I shall not put my thoughts out there in the world, I shall keep them to myself, hoard them and not ask everybody out there for their opinions on the same. I stopped posting here. It was almost a case of self-imposed hibernation.
But you know what, the kind of behaviour where you put your thoughts out and eagerly look for responses (hopefully positive) may be classified as self-publicity and attention-seeking behaviour and hence bad in the world's eyes but the stifling of my expressive abilities is not good for me. It makes me cranky, it makes me difficult and makes me brood. I need to write and not just in private but such that people can read it and tell me what they think about it. This is not just a wish, it is a deep desire, almost a necessity for me if only so that, in my everyday life, I can be happier. It took me a while to accept that yes, I do crave the attention, the admiration. And to hell with all those who think it is bad, it is wrong. I donot think that it makes me any less of a person just because I choose to not be self-effacing. If I enjoy writing, then write I shall! And I shall also thrive on the readers' comments and their inputs. What is wrong with liking yourself and wanting to hear the world tell you that you are worth some little bit, atleast as much as a tiny little patch in the colourful fabric of the world?
I do not have to ever fit into the rules of behaviour that someone else sets for me unless I personally believe them and they come to me naturally. Coz what may be wrong according to someone else may be exactly what I need in my life, what I have been missing. I think I need to just come to terms with the person I am, good or bad, and then go on ahead from there. Why should I fit into a mould cast by someone else? Life on the fine thin line is just great for me. I donot have to lead my life as a model of propriety and I definitely do not wish to be remembered as a "good girl". I want to live a full life with all kinds of experiences (the wilder the better :D) and I want the freedom to make my own mistakes. I want to also be confident enough that an unknowingly passed derogatory comment about me does not bring my world crashing down. Only when I am absolutely sure of my self-worth will I be worthy enough to face up to the world. Ah! Clarity! And some peace of mind finally. See, there I go, I suddenly feel so much better having gotten all that stuff out of my system. It is a nice world out there :) :)