Blah days!

Some days seem just lonely and sad. Like not much matters really. Even the passing of time seems dull, slow. Beloved haunts appear old and deserted. As if entire buildings and structures might crumble down at the slightest whisper of a breeze. Everything seems perishable, delicate, derelict. Dust seems to hang, stagnant, suspended in the air. The sunlight looks dirty, dusty. Even trees seem to have been drained of freshness and life, with wilting leaves that could do with a wash. The birdsong sounds tired. A smile takes effort, laughter seems a dream. Is this ennui? Do places and times influence your mood or do places and times reflect your mood? I have never been able to decide for certain. Perhaps this is just a sign, telling me to move on. To find newer challenges. If I get too comfortable in one place, I will stagnate and get bored and boring. How utterly dreadful!

A year gone by...

A year is actually so much time passing by. 365 days, 8760 hours, 525600 minutes or 31536000 seconds. Or so Google tells me. You get older, pretend to be wiser, meet new people, fall out with others. There is a certain comfort of familiarity every year. You know the sun will rise and set a certain number of times this year too. The seasons will change with spring gently bidding goodbye to harsh winters and hot blistering summers making the torrential rains feel like a blessing. You will enjoy festivals, look forward to days of celebration or say a quiet prayer for days of remembrance.

Yet what keeps you looking forward to another year is the expectation of something new, something different, something that shall make you happier. Not because the last year has been just old or dull or sad. Oh no! Surely the year gone by was new once. You looked forward to that year with a lot of expectations. You were blissfully happy, you cried a lot and you laughed more. You fought like crazy and yet fell in love, a number of times, all over again. You were praised and berated. You were unbelievably successful some days and a colossal failure on other days. It has been a good year for you, yet the new one beckons. It glitters with promises of more everything, better everything, happier everything.

The year that has gone by has been, for me, one full of moments that make wonderful memories. A year of firsts, of love, laughter, family, togetherness. Umpteen meetings and partings. Adventurous journeys with missed, delayed or cancelled buses, trains and flights. Time seeming to have a will of its own. At times I could sense it dragging along tediously, at others it was rushing by with a whoosh. There are regrets too. But the joys far outweigh these. I look back on this year and I feel thankful for all the wonderful people who have made this year easier, more joyful and memorable. Family, friends, colleagues and of course, the husband. A fantabulous guy. My best friend. Confidant, philosopher, adviser, lover, magician. Thank you for this amazing year. And here's to another beautiful year!

Old spaces and new

There are places I remember, all my life,

Though some have changed, some forever, not for better

Some have gone, and some remain

All these places have their moments...

In my life I have loved them all.

I borrow haphazardly from a much loved Beatles song. Today these lines describe perfectly my swirling thoughts and emotions.

For the last few weeks we have all been gearing up for major changes in our lab lives. There have been massive clean-up missions resulting in the entire place looking far more cluttered than it did before, even though each time it really did seem like we discarded literally sacks of junk! We have discovered ancient stuff that not only looks unidentifiable, but smells weird and is awfully old-fashioned and outright filthy! There have been many adventures with mice, lizards, spiders and big black fat ants disturbed from their favourite haunts. There have been delighted cries at rediscovering a missing instrument or chemical or even an old greeting card. There have been spontaneous outbursts of laughter, cut-throat competition to test our abilities to be the best cleaners and junk-removers, many frayed tempers, much teasing and yet, good strong friendships and togetherness. Nothing tests you better than a situation where you need to work cohesively in a group even while maintaining your identity. And I must have some of the best lab mates in the world! We have learnt to leave aside personal differences and gel into a cohesive unit. It also helps that each of us has a definite sense of belonging; we feel it is our lab and hence we work because we want to, not because we must or have been told to do so. Hard work, perseverance, some essential planning and an incredibly involved and enthusiastic boss have made the change seem easier.

The change I mention is one of place and space. We move from our old, historical, dilapidated building to the supposedly fancy, new one. We move from a cluttered, yet much loved space to a bigger, stranger place. I have loved my old lab. I have learnt a lot here and met an awful lot of lovely people, fantastic seniors and current lab mates, who are more friends than colleagues. Doesn’t a place seem dearer if you have had memorable experiences and forged important relationships in it? It seems like I knew almost every nook and corner of the old lab. It was comfortably familiar. And as always, letting go of the known is not easy. But, I do like the airy spaciousness of the new place, the open plan and the light flooding in. It seems like a good place. I know it shall now take a conscious effort to make the new place seem ours. To treat it like a new fresh canvas on which to paint our individual strokes with many a flourish and much faith.

A new sense of belonging is priceless, yet letting go of the old one brings a tinge of tears to my eyes. It makes me want to store the memories of the last lab meeting, the last experiment, the last round of discussions in the old place. There is a feeling of sadness when I see the packed boxes, the dusty work benches and the empty rooms that echo eerily. But change is supposed to be a good thing. And we are supposed to be moving on to better facilities, more space and opportunities for greater coordination between the biological sciences. Even though it seems like a mammoth task at present, I look forward to the day when it feels like I could walk through the entire building in the middle of a dark night and yet not lose my way. To the day when I walk into the lab and it feels mine again. I hope we make it into our lucky new place and that we do some of our best science here in the next few months. I hope we charge up the space with our enthusiasm and energy. Amen. Or something like it.

Polka-dotted frocks

Today afternoon I saw two little girls in pigtails, riding their bicycles and giggling away. Their matching polka-dotted frocks, their smiles and the aura of complete freedom around them made me aware of a pang of envy, of longing for times gone.
There was a time when five little girls would all be fitted out in bright matching cotton frocks with identical patterns and frills, just a specially different colour for each one. Those were days of carefree summers, of youth and fearless adventure. Of mangoes, afternoon picnics, hide and seek, tantrums and umpteen tumbles. I can even see their eyes... happy, wide and guileless. Anything seemed possible then, the world was a personal stage. A place where everybody was meant to be happy.
And then the little girls grew up. Back then, I remember I wanted to grow up fast, real fast. Today I wish, sometimes, that we never did have to grow up. That we could have remained that age forever.  Friends together. Sisters together. Time never lets you stay that young. It snatches away those moments of togetherness. It makes you grow up. As each of us now looks ahead to a new and different life, I hope we shall remember those happy sunny summers. Those shared holidays and the "gachhi" at aji-papa's house that was our permanent adda and treasure trove! I shall miss those times. Always.

Life Lessons

I have gone through life believing I am lucky. Have tried to live life in the open wind and the sunshine. I have had a lovely life, full of the most beautiful people and times. Have believed in kindness and niceness and genuine goodness. Trusted with my heart and had faith, always.

Yet not everything is as lovely as it seems. The harsh light brings with it shadows and darkness. You chance upon people who can spoil everything, people you wish you didn't have to meet ever again. Have you met these blurry, shadowy, seemingly crazy, hurtful and self-obsessed people who refuse to grow up and face the world? They never bothered me before because I thought they were just in that bad phase and that they would change... because people are essentially nice. I have never believed that anybody is inherently mean or bitchy. I have never wanted to believe that any person is crooked within. It is just a bad time for that person. They seem to see a grey and glum world and perhaps decide that the world deserves a grey and glum person.

But the world is as it always has been. Real. Lively. Tough. But worth it. Every moment. And I wonder, why do I have to be understanding enough to wait for someone to see the truth? Wait while it hurts? A waiting I do not deserve. What for? For those who see a tainted world? For those who do not think before they speak or act and who do not see or value anything beyond themselves? How fair is this? Is it better to stay still and wait for this to pass? Should I smile and shrug it off or should I react?

I think I like my life better with its love and warmth and friendship. I choose to believe in that. I choose to let that, and that alone, be my truth, my reality.