Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I cannot think of a title

Today has been a totally different day from my daily routine. First and most important, it’s the day I finally go home, to Pune! I have been looking forward to this time with tons of excitement, and my heart would skip a beat every single time. But surprisingly, today morning I woke up and there seemed to be an air of melancholy on campus. I am still as excited, but somehow, this campus has also become a home of sorts and leaving, even for a short while and even while knowing that I shall be back, gives a slight sorrowful tinge to everything. So much so, that I actually wait eagerly for lunch at the mess, I look at my tiny old room with a smile and I even find myself saying goodbye to the buckets and the staircases at the hostel. As if parting company with old friends...

And so I set forth on the journey back home, to good old Pune, the only place I had ever called “home”, before Bangalore happened to me. Should I feel guilty because I have allowed a different city, a different place to grow on me? And you see it’s not really just the city, but the campus, the atmosphere here, the lush greenery and the warmth of all my friends that makes it so much more special than just a new city.

Anyway, am digressing, as I am wont to do... So back on track… the reason why today was different. I was trying to figure out my exact feelings. The joy, the sorrow and the excitement all mingled together. (Too much emotion actually can make you feel ill and I wanted to just drop everything, sit down, bawl my heart out and then go on once the tears had dried). Having packed my bag (imagine, just one bag... even I manage to surprise myself at times!!!), I bid adieu to the institute for the next few days, called up friends I had not said goodbye to in person and boarded the bus to the airport. Just before I got into the bus was my nice experience number one for the day... The rickshaw-wallah who dropped me from institute to the Mekhri circle bus pick-up point was simply awesome. He had no change for hundred and I had only 16 measly rupees in loose change. His meter showed the fare as 22 Rupees and he could very well have demanded that I wait till he got change from somewhere; but the good samaritan he was, he did not do so. He, in fact, smiled and took the 16 Rupees and helped me load my bag onto the bus. Suddenly my spirits were lifted a lil bit. A smile can work wonders that way. Another smile I met along the way was from a lady-cleaner at the airport. For no apparent reason she gave me a radiant smile and suddenly even the delayed flight seemed like no big deal. All I wish is that there was some way I could let these people, who made me happier today, know how grateful I am. Hopefully, in some way, I too shall be able to make a tiny little part of somebody’s day a little brighter today. Perhaps that way we can pass on the twinkling smiles and make even ourselves a little happier.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Saying it Silently...

I was in the car, next to my sister, on the way to the airport and both of us were sitting quietly, each deep in her own thoughts. The minutes were ticking along, yet neither uttered a word. And then it struck me that between us was a special type of silence... not uncomfortable... perfectly companionable and funnily enough so much was being said, communicated without a word or a sound. Brain waves perhaps? Partings have always been difficult for us and knowing that we may not meet for more than six months was weighing heavy on our hearts. Yet some things should not be said aloud... they lose their significance and dignity then. In fact, some things are better said in silence.

Silence is a funny thing... how does one perfectly describe it? As absence of sound? Or does it have a positive definition of its own? Sometimes silence is warm and light-filled. Between lovers when nothing need be said, between friends when everything has been said umpteen times... those silences are beautiful and vibrant. They donot leave you wracking your brain for something to say. They are complete.

Then there are those silences where strangers meet and are ill at ease, perhaps because they pick up the wrong vibes, perhaps because they have confidence issues... or because they discover that in reality they have nothing meaningful to say. Not that all conversations have to be or are meaningful, but at times even small talk is painful. And so the silence is like a gaping valley... deep and yet empty.

But the worst kind of silence is when people actually want to say something, they know exactly what they want to say yet are unable to get the words out. Fear, the risk that once the words are out there you cannot call them back, fear that everything will change forever... that is what keeps this silence unbroken. And this can be painful both for the person who wants to say stuff and the person who knows that something needs to be discussed out in the open, aired, gotten over with and yet the situation festers on till it becomes uncomfortable and drives people apart. These are the silences I hate, the ones that can destroy friendships, tear apart relationships and leave a mess behind.

Silence and speech are both double-edged swords... each can be used to hurt and each can in turn soothe and mend the hurt. Be careful!

My Secret in Silence
- Lorelei Pablo

You came into my life
Quietly, Simply, Placidly
And my words stood still...
I couldn't express in words
Or even simple gestures
The secret I kept in my heart.
So I loved in silence
Admired you from a distance
Dreamt of you afar.
I wanted to say I love you...
I wanted to say i care.
But cowardly, maybe, you'll laugh at me.
In silence then I will love you...
In silence then I will care...