विश्वासाचं नातं

मी समोरच्यावर पूर्ण विश्वास ठेवायचा असतो कि समोरच्याने आपल्या प्रामाणिक व्यवहाराने, वागणुकीने माझा विश्वास मिळवायचा असतो, जपायचा असतो? कोण ठरवतं हे? सुरुवात कुठून होते? कशी होते? माझा तुमच्यावर विश्वास नसेल तर त्यात चूक कुणाची? माझी? कारण माझी डोळे बंद करून विश्वास ठेवण्याची क्षमता नाही म्हणून. का तुमची? कारण तुम्ही बेधडक विश्वास ठेवता येईल असं नेहमी वागालच याची खात्री नाही. किती खेळ खेळतो न आपण, एक-मेकांच्या मनांशी? मनाला नको ते ओढताण. खरंतर आयुष्य सोप्प, सरळ असावं. जे मनांत असेल त्याप्रमाणे वागावं, त्याप्रमाणे बोलावं, त्याप्रमाणे करावं. नाही? मग यात डावपेच नाहीत आणि कसलंही गणित नाही. जे समोर दिसतंय तेवढंच सत्य! अगदी face value! नकोच तो मनाला त्रास. 

आणि हे सगळं संपतं कुठे? कारण अविश्वासात केवढा धोका आहे! पूर्ण नातीच्या नातीच उध्वस्त करून जाऊ शकतो हा अविश्वास. कधी कधी एखाद्याचं पूर्ण आयुष्य देखील बरबाद होऊ शकतं या सगळ्या खेळांत. किती नाजूक आहे नाही हे विश्वासाचं बंधन? अगदी जीवापाड जपण्यायोगं. पवित्रता आहे यांत दडलेली. तुमच्या देवाशी तुम्ही नातं जपणार नाही इतकं हे माणसांतलं विश्वासाचं नातं जपलं पहिजे. कारण समोरच्या माणसावर, त्याच्या माणुसकीवर माझा विश्वास नसेल तर कुठेतरी माझीच माणुसकी हरवून जाईल, संपून जाईल. हो ना?

A moment in time, a moment out of time ...

There is something so liberating about living in a new place, a place where nobody knows you. You can keep all your personal baggage aside and start afresh. And if you are lucky enough to land up in a place where people hardly bother to judge random strangers for being unexpectedly different, then you are in for a good time. You can be as frumpy or as glam or as silly as you please and nobody really cares. You can just be yourself. You can wander all over town, enjoying the solitude amidst the teeming masses. Nobody looks at you pityingly or judges you as being unsociable or unpopular or just plain old sad and lonely if you sit down alone at a roadside table with a book and a steaming cup of hot chocolate.

Don't get this wrong. Living among people I love and care for is simply brilliant. Nothing can come close to the comfort and warmth of family and friends. But when I am identified as a certain kind of person and am expected to always abide by people's perception of how I should behave and the kind of person I should be, then it becomes very difficult to be anyone else, anyone different. If I were to take the plunge and decide to ditch my career, or take up some crazy hobby or insist on solitude or just decide to change the entire pattern of my life, I may have to live with well meaning friends and family taking me aside and telling me that my life is going off track and that I should buckle up and start behaving like myself. But how can I be myself and not myself all at the same time? Whoever I am, whatever I am at the present moment is all me. It may not be the me that you know, or expect, but it is still me. In any case, I am not normally carefree enough, perhaps not courageous enough, to be that wildly crazy.

In this land, where few people know me, or know what I am supposed to be like, it is a delight to redefine myself. No, that's not true, I am not redefining myself, more like, rediscovering myself and my capabilities, my likes and dislikes. Discovering all those things I used to love... reading for myself. Reading a multitude of books together, in random order. Not just books for relaxation but books for their sheer pleasure. All at once. As the mood may strike. Wandering aimlessly about town, gazing at ancient buildings and into the endlessly blue windswept sky, imagining patterns in the various cloud forms and the fuzzy white lines of airplane exhaust crisscrossing the blue sky. Browsing through stores, window-shopping, people-watching, losing myself in the melodies of the street-musicians. Deciding that I do indeed love cooking. It relaxes me, rejuvenates me. I know that modern, liberated, independent women are often supposed to look upon cooking as a chore, forced upon them by the chauvinistic elements of society. But I love the planning of a meal, understanding a recipe, shopping for the right ingredients, and putting together a delicious, hot meal. I love the melodious blending together of spices and flavours. I love the smells, of chocolatey-gooey cupcakes and cinnamon-topped apple pies, wafting out of the oven. I love the visual treat of colourful food with different textures, creatively presented. It almost feels like a form of art therapy.

It is fun to connect with myself, as clichéd as that sounds! I miss my people. I miss the everyday traditions of families. But I am re-learning so much about myself instead. Perhaps, this is a rite of passage. Perhaps, it may not even be a question of a different place. It may just be a matter of time. Like I am on vacation from my own life. Something that everybody should go through. A time to find yourself, to lose yourself, to just be. To find out whether you are a person you can really like. A lot. Without the baggage of expectations. With all the freedom that comes from knowing that you have a loving place to go back to. A time to live for the moment, live in the moment, carefree, mukt :)

To lie or not to lie, that is the question.

Trust. The loss of trust is often the single most important stumbling block in any relationship. Isn't it important for you to be able to trust the people in your life? This means that you need to have the ability to trust and those you trust should be able to garner it and live up to it. You need to be able to trust your family, your friends, your lover, your partner, your colleagues, in one way or another. You need to be able to believe that they will not betray you or your trust and this has to be a two way street with both parties willingly involved.

Sometimes, small little lies spring up out of a desire to avoid conflict. We call them white lies and, more often than not, we do so to appease ourselves. If it is really a 'harmless' little white lie, then wouldn't it be better to just air it out in the open rather than keeping it hidden and having to cover up your tracks carefully. No matter what kind of lie, the fact that this lie is out there means that there has been a breach of trust. Plus, telling one lie to one person often means that there exists the danger of another person, who is in on your secret, spilling it out into the open. Again, trust issues. What hurts more than the fact that somebody is hiding something from you is the fact that they felt the need to do so. Loss of faith in another person is a tragic thing indeed! It brings along disillusionment, it raises doubts and strains relationships. Nothing hurts as bad as being lied to. Nothing hurts as bad as being betrayed.

Commitment to the truth, no matter how painfully difficult, and clarity of communication can often nip most problems and misunderstandings in the bud. However, we are all complex beings. In fact, the ability to lie knowingly and willingly is believed to be a very human trait. Some people are habitual lie-tellers. They tell the most fantastic lies cheerfully, without flinching and without remorse. Then there are others who fidget, sweat, get nervous while concocting even the simplest of lies. Remember Joey who can't lie and his racoon-tales? I understand that life is not really about black and white, there exist myriad shades of grey in between. As has been said, this world is a mirage, "Maya", all a lie within a lie within a lie, ad infinitum, and the purpose of human life is to try and decipher the truth hidden within. How about owning up today to one lie you have told or lived? Try it and you shall love how much lighter and happier you shall feel :)

A matter of blind faith.

Oh the times when I wish that people would stop and think before they take anything and everything on faith, blind faith! Rational faith of some sort, in something, might perhaps be an anchor for some people. However, each of us is born with a brain capable of rational thought. Yet, many of us choose to spend entire lives following somebody else's thoughts, or as they call them 'teachings'. We are all blessed with dreams, thoughts, logic and an innate sense of that which is right. Add to this the fact that we, as humans, have the benefit of having parental care for a major part of our young lives. So we ought to grow into beings capable of identifying the irrational and the illogical, of discriminating between right and wrong, even when some supposedly great godly person insists on telling you what it is right and which is the only correct path of life. Not that we are perfect. Of course we are flawed. We shout, we scream, we get angry. But then that is perfect too, because it allows us to be human. Because it ensures that we learn to love, and be kind and to listen for ourselves, not as a consequence of another person telling you that this is the way to be!

Each of us must have distinctly individual paths in life. How can we allow another human being to tell us what is proper for us? Aren't we, or at least the people closest to us (friends and family), best suited to decide such things for ourselves? How can we equate another person's words to gospel, as if he or she is, in fact, god? In fact wouldn't that be blasphemy of sorts?  In fact, how can a person who is truly learned and wise ever want to be adulated and revered as god? Only people who perhaps don't understand life, who just want to be lauded as godly or saintly would encourage or allow other fellow human beings to think of them as greater than the common masses.Whether or not you believe in the existence of a god as an all-powerful being is an entirely different issue. There are those that believe that god is perhaps all that is good and beautiful around you. The goodness of people, the beauty and wrath and awe of nature, the intricacy of all the biological processes that keep you alive, the imperfect perfectness of evolution - any or all of these could be that which is named god. A very personal issue. A very delicate issue.

However, isn't allowing another human being to take the form of this personal, private, delicate matter, completely irrational? Especially when that person has not lived your life, has no real idea of your peculiar personal problems and difficulties. How can we accept that there is a standard one-shoe-fits-all approach to life's problems? There can not be a universal solution to human problems. Simply because we are a bunch of complex, diverse, crazy but unique individuals as a result of the myriad circumstances and situations that we have each inherited or encountered. Of course, we will all need advice. We will make mistakes and will need to be made aware of them. But being reduced to parroting out another's words as the only words of wisdom is an insult to a rational thinking human being. Accept only that which you believe is true, not something that some 'great person' has told you is the way of life. Because at the end of it, that person is going to live and die in his or her own unique way. In a way completely different from the story of your life. So please do stop to think, think deep and hard, before you let another person tell you how to live your life. It is truly the only life you shall have. Wouldn't you have rather lived it your way? At least at the end of it all, you wouldn't blame another for the life you led!

Not all those who hear can listen.

You know, there are so many people in the world who are always happy to share your happy moments with you. You can tell them the good news and can be assured of a smile in return, a pat on the back, even shared laughter. In fact, it is heartening to know how many people feel good for you, care for your joy and are ready to become a part of it.

But I realized that there are not really that many people in the world that you can have a major melt-down with. Those days when you want to rant at the world, bawl your heart out or just crib endlessly, till even you are irritated with yourself. Those days when you are feeling incredibly vulnerable, when even a glance could hurt you really bad. When you feel like you shall never succeed at anything or that you have hit the absolute pits. How many people in the world do you know that you can be your worst self with? People you can share your worst fears with? Most importantly, how many people who will listen, and listen well, and then love you just as much the next morning because, one awful day does not make you an awful person? And then I realized that these people must be simply awesome individuals. I mean, it must take someone special and strong indeed to listen to and see another person at his or her worst, lowest, crabbiest phase and then not judge them for having been that weak. I am lucky enough to have always had such wonderful people in my life. People who listened, because, more often than not, that’s all you need. You don’t need answers or advice or solutions. You can eventually fix your own problems, but it is the venting for which you need an audience. A silent audience, a receptive audience. A sympathetic, non-critical audience. Having put up my share of the dramatic my-life-is-a-tragedy performances, I hope to learn to be that kind of audience, some day. It shall be good to sit back and learn to listen kindly. It shall be good to learn to be silent and wise. Some day. Some lifetime. 

Are these really my thoughts?

Have you ever stopped to think, how many of your thoughts are really your own? Okay, let's modify that question, make it a little simpler. How many of your opinions are really your own? And I mean all kinds of opinions. About stuff that seems inconsequential, everyday, mundane. About all the profound stuff that you discuss as a passionate, to-be-revolutionary youngster. All those philosophical discussions and movie/music/random gossip. Just about any and every thing.

I lived my life believing in my individuality. Doesn't every one of us believe at some point or other in our uniqueness? Have you not had that moment when you thought you were special? That you had thought of something, the germ of an idea, that was especially yours? Those times of divine unawareness about one's place in the scheme of things. Or rather a skewed image of one's exalted status. Delusional, yes. But definitely confidence-inspiring. Those were times when I could have had (and often did have) an opinion on any and every single thing. And off course, it was a well-informed, well-read, rational person's unbiased opinion. Did I mention delusional?

And then the day dawned when I realized that so many of the things I heard myself say were things that my parents had said, or my teachers had said, or my friends had said or... I would have said that it was an earthshaking moment. But that would be putting it mildly. It is awful to find that your very definition of yourself (and yes, your thoughts do define you) is shaky, murky, lost in the voices and opinions of others. It is shocking, that realization. But essential too. Especially if you mean to grow up some day. And well, not a lot of us have a choice about the growing up. Life tends to make you do so anyway.

Anyway, since that day on, I have learnt to question. It makes me a non-believer, until I have believable proof. It makes me long to have faith, yes, blind faith. But it also leaves me knowing that most of my thoughts are really my own. Sometimes, another's opinions slips through. But then, it is all about living and learning. You see, so much of our childhood passes in trying to be like someone else that many of us never learn to be ourselves. I have decided to learn to be myself. The best myself I can be :)

A matter of trust

Returning from an errand, I met a rickshaw-wallah the other day, who set me thinking. Upon being told my destination, he was full of questions. About my place of study, where I come from, whether the courses are difficult, the accommodation, the campus, the admission process, the composition of the student community and so on. I was a little reluctant to answer his questions and evaded them in what I thought was a skillful manner. You don't go around divulging personal details to absolute strangers, do you?
Having managed to try and give monosyllabic answers for most of his questions, I was almost patting myself on the back when he turned around and apologized for his inquisitiveness.
"Madam, my son an engineer. He study here, but now job in Pune. Good job. Very proud. Hard work, you know. I want him to study more. So asking you. Sorry, madam if you don't like it."

I was ready to dig a hole through the floor of his rickshaw and allow the earth to swallow me up, metaphorically speaking. What kind of person had I turned into if I had allowed my essential niceness to be swallowed up in the safety drill!?!

Why is it that we are taught to not trust strangers? We are born with the ability to look at the world like it is full of the most innocent and beautiful people. It is as we grow up that the prejudices set in, become ingrained in to our psyche and we turn into suspicious, small-minded adults! I hate the fact that the minute I see a stranger staring or a slightly different/weird looking individual walking by me in a slightly lonely locality, the thought immediately crosses my mind that this person might mean some harm and I should be ready to face anything. I should be careful, mindful of my own safety and so on.

And then the guilt crashes in. That such thoughts come visiting. Perhaps they are important in today's world. But that human beings have lost such faith in others of their own kind is disturbing. It is not fair to the other person or people. I would hate it if anybody thought such awful stuff about me for no particular reason. I would hate it even more if perfectly innocent people who just happened to be around, minding their own business, or perhaps even wondering if I am a safe person while passing me by, could look into my head and read my thoughts.

It is sometimes difficult to follow all the rules of this world. At least in the present day and age...
What are we always told about strangers right from the time we are kids? DON'T talk to strangers. Strangers can be bad, can be cruel, can mean trouble. Stay away from them. Very important life lesson indeed. Especially when one considers the statistics about crimes where children and women more especially, and even men in many cases, are the victims. Strangers can indeed be dangerous, at times.

But when is the "no strangers" rule supposed to be eased a little bit? At what age is one supposed to be grown up and able enough to judge people, especially strangers? Because every new person is a stranger and many might turn out to be people you could treasure, awesome people. And doubting them to begin with does not make for a happy time ahead, in fact, might mean driving away the very people who might be meant to travel the roads with you...

Somehow we need to strike the perfect balance between staying safe and away from harm even while being good human beings, who trust and judge correctly. That, I believe, is the essence of all that growing up, maturity and wisdom. Perhaps life and experience teaches you this, it is not something you can learn in a class or from a  book about morals and values. This might be why our parents and grandparents seem so much wiser. They have seen, lived and learnt, a process that takes patience and time. But having to live in a fast-forwarded world today, where we have so little time to invest in wisdom, we forget to learn. Perhaps every now and then, I ought to stop and think for myself if I am the kind of person I like. Then I might yet end up the kind of person I could like if I ever met myself as a stranger...

Saying it right

When you decide to say sorry, it only makes sense to do so if you do it right. That is, you realize you have completely messed up and you need to apologize big time, but if you do it in a half-hearted fashion, or with conditions attached, then it is absolutely pointless!

I have met people who have said their sorrys even while stressing (ok, perhaps just hinting) that they are still in the right and that they have the complete and full right to mess up, yet are saying the words because it is the expected thing. Back off! You just don't have to say sorry that way. It is useless. It makes no one feel any better. You are still upset because you think the situation is forcing you to apologize and  you are not making the other person feel any better since they can always tell your feelings are not genuine! So it is far far better to just shut up, get over the hurt feelings either way and then come back later and say a real sorry that you mean and that comes from your heart. Not one to save your face or just patch up or just because somebody else thinks you should say so.

And mind you, it is not easy to let yourself become so vulnerable and actually be able to get those words out. I think if you can't do it right face to face, it is perhaps an option to show just by your actions that you have realized your mistake and want to make amends. That gives the other persons some time to think too. But whatever the situation, the very minute you realize you are actually in the wrong and you have been able to at least see the other perspectives, you ought to make those amends really quick. Like asap! It makes you feel a whole lot lighter, better, happier :)

This and that...

Here is a list of stuff I love, on either side of the or ...

Fireflies or fairy lights
Passionate moments or everyday romance
Succinct short stories or long engrossing novels
One bosom friend or many acquaintances
Everyday internet chats or a day of face to face silence
Saving face or letting go and laughing at yourself
Risking and losing all or safe no-risk ways
Long summery days or sweet winter nights
Joys of solitude or loneliness amongst crowds
Telling a lie to comfort or telling the truth and then offering your shoulder
Drenched in the rain or being dry under a shared umbrella

My favourite one, and currently the most difficult:
Hit the gym or grab the chocolate :D

To let go and yet love so much...

I miss this lady who was strong and wise and fun and all things warm and wonderful. My grandmother. She has been gone a month now yet in my mind she lingers on. Sentimental do you call me? But really, on a day to day basis, I do not wallow in sadness and despair... nor does anybody else who loves her. Simply because that is not the way to be. If a life has been well and fully lived, you cherish the memories of that person and go on with the rest of your life with the utmost zest. What does hurt and hurt bad though is that sudden moment in time when I think of her and it strikes me anew that someone I love is never going to be mine anymore... those half-written but never sent letters, those many conversations that were yet to be had, old stories that I was going to listen to some day. Stuff I want to tell her... so many times to come in my life that I want her to know, to be there with me all through. And it is only at those freakish moments that I cannot help but let the tears fall. At all other times, I am strong. Some things you just gotta learn to live with and smile through because the person you are thinking of deserves all those smiles :)

She was an amazing lady. If a gal needed a role model, she would have been the ideal one. Not that she would have pointed herself out as a perfect person. Constant improvement, constant progress, constant effort. Determination and the strongest and most resilient will I have ever come across. So much wisdom gathered through a lifetime of experience. Makes me wonder if that is the way of life, to learn all along and yet to take a lot of it along with you. She was a teacher and her students must remember facets of her that I must have never seen. To me she was this person that was tied in with this place.  A place that felt like home always. Maybe because I spent a while growing up there. Being her eldest grandchild made me feel selfishly special. Like she would always love me that little bit more than everybody else. 

For me, that she was a wonderful human being is manifested in the fact that she brought up her own children to be some of the finest people I have ever known. Incredibly loving, strong, sensitive, yet upfront and honest and each unique. That she let each one of them be the independent person they could be, never let them be fettered and still made sure there were strong bonds between them... tells of the person she was. No wonder my grandpa loved her so much! Never a person to let anybody take her decisions for her, she took in the best of all the worlds she could visit and created her own best version of it. It worked well enough for her. Or so it always seemed to me.

There are so many facets of this lovely lady who has been an important part of my life... her teaching, her experiences, her people, her plants and the mad love she felt for them... this list can be unending. So much I can say, and yet so much I don't know about her life. I realized only after she was gone that there were so many people in her life, so many untold tales, and they are probably lost to me forever now. It is funny how one person can have been enmeshed in the lives of so many others... may be that is the essence of being a human being. You must reach out and meet new people, let them into your life and become a part of theirs. That way, you live just one life but you get the experiences of so many... Like living a million lives all at once.