Monday, March 16, 2009

A rambling post...

Being at this particularly weird age, young yet not completely carefree...independent yet held by many invisible strings, is confusing indeed. I am to be responsible and grown up yet not a stuffy individual. How do I balance all this out? I live on my own, yet I donot have the freedom (or perhaps the desire) to be an isolated island. But I shall never ever be the bubbling life and soul of a group. It requires just too much effort and my inherent laziness revolts at the idea of such hardship. Does it always have to be extremes...this or that...always a matter of choices? Also I have been wondering whether I have really changed over a period of time, over a series of experiences or do I just like to pretend so?

Living on a campus as beautiful as this is an experience that I shall cherish forever, with the many blossoming friendships and the chance for personal growth. It is entirely up to me how closely inter-twined I wish to let these bonds become...keep everyone at arm's length or let them into my heart. Perhaps it is the many hours spent in company and the unending conversations that build up this impression of closeness...it is perhaps all a mirage. Everybody is finally looking out for themselves...no one cares when it comes to the crunch. Each person is trying to reach for their best under the given circumstances. That is not to say that anybody is out to hurt you specifically but someone else's best may be the worst for you.

Is that too pessimistic...cynical? I would like to think it is a journey towards realism. Perhaps that's all growing up means...that you dream but know that dreams hardly ever come true and that magic shall only be for yourself...for your imagination...it does not exist in the real world. Out here all anybody cares for is the end result...have you succeeded or failed? The journey never matters.

I have been told over and over again for quite some time now that I am too trusting, too impressionable, too optimistic and lost in my own world, my dreams, my beliefs and I would just laugh it off and think that people were not ready to look at all the beautiful things out there. But do any of these apparently magical, beautiful things matter? Are they even worth noticing? All these years I have been a naive young fool to believe that it is the process, the people you meet along the way, the million different hues you chance upon, the actual journey that matters the most. But then there are times when you wholeheartedly doubt all that you have trusted your entire life. Disillusionment is good, because it lets you pause and think. Take a break, learn many things all over again just with a different perspective.

I guess all these thoughts, doubts, beliefs, questions and answers are always there fluttering within me. Sometimes a few rush to the fore, sometimes others do but do I ever get anything new from the world or am I constantly regurgitating the same old questions and just trying to come up with different combinations of answers? What is one supposed to do when melancholy strikes with such vengeance for no apparent reason? Even the crashing rains and the thunder and lightening outside cannot wash this mood out. It has become a constant companion lately, sucking the joy out of the little everyday happenings that I used to go ga-ga over. Do I even want to let go? It is a different experience...to not be constantly happy...how boring that seems now. May the questioning continue...mayhaps this then is to be the new phase.

6 comments:

Arun said...

I relate a lot to this post :).
The conclusion I came to (in my case) was that as you grow up one of the biggest factors that come up is Ego. That is the reason why things can be perceived in a different way which resulted in my feeling desolate/melancholy.
Would you agree?

vinay said...

the coconut's fallen from the tree without a notice :)
It does, it always does...but don't worry you will get to savour the coconut milk and the malai within...
ah! the pains and pangs of growing up!

vinay said...

And, your blog is so aptly titled! You have an amazing skill of expressing through words :)

maneesh said...

Ok, rambling posts deserve rambling comments so here goes :

I dunno man, I realized this the hard way - you have to let people in and give them the chance to hurt you - some do, some don't but atleast now you know who's who! and to give someone that power and to know you wield that kind of power in turn, without necessarily using it or having it used on you, is what strengthens bonds ultimately.

Again, its not a mirage. give them a chance and see how far people will go to help you. its just that everyone isn't effusive and demonstrative all the time. you have to give them the chance though.

realism? the results matter to the rest. you continue living. the journey matters to you. your journey affects your thoughts and you as a person and what you do with your life.

beauty, magic, etc. are subjective i think. everybody sees them. in different places. i saw my magic in cleaning the ignition points of my bullet and setting the contact-breaker points gap to just that right clearance. what makes you happy is what should matter the most.

finally, dreams. of course nobody's going to share the magic of your dreams. they have their own which you will perhaps never understand. the magic is for you alone. but your friends are the one who will understand that there is magic in it for you, understand how much you value it, and feel happy for you when you get there.

questioning is good, disillusionment is not, i think. ventilation and discussion is good, regurgitation is not, again, i think.

maneesh said...

i'm sorry if i missed the point entirely and got carried away giving unwarranted gyan but when i get the feeling i have something to say, then i just have to.

besides i think i have sort of seen some of the things you say so i'm the voice from the beyond!!!

Bwahahahaha!!!! Spooky!!

adhirajad said...

Nicely written....
Almost everyone passes through this.
And one thing I strongly believe is "Journey is more fun than getting there".