48 hours and still counting...

There is something incredibly exhilarating about being so completely exhausted and tired that my brain is kind of disconnected with the rest of me! At times I can go on for a couple of days without sleep, but there definitely has to be strong enough motivation for me to miss out on sleep. It can be an extracurricular activity that I am doing for myself or the short but sweet time spent with friends doing crazy things like playing cards late into the night and then going to bed only after having seen the moon set, the sun rise and with a hot cup of coffee warming me or gazing at the stars as they seem to move across the dark night sky and even at times an experiment which just cannot be planned in a more sane manner. So such late nights or rather early mornings and unending sagas of sleep deprivation would normally be expected to make a person cranky, prone to mood swings and basically depressed. In my case I seem to notice that I do pass through the above-mentioned phases but then I reach that point beyond which nothing seems to impinge; its like all my inhibitions are lowered, I say stuff and am a lot more outspoken than normal. And the best part is I am aware that I am behaving differently but well, I couldn't care less! It makes me wonder if perhaps this is what happens when one is just slightly, pleasantly drunk. Someday, I intend to find out :D !!!

Anyway, as I was saying, it is a great feeling to test my limits and to see how long and how far I can stretch myself before collapsing entirely. Most call me mad, think I am not careful enough. But the fact of the matter is, at times it is the best choice I can make. While I am still young enough to be able to handle this, while I am still resilient enough is the very time to try out all this madness. Later I might be too old, too prim and proper, too 'grown-up' to even consider going days without sleep or getting so tired that if I just stop in the middle of a sentence, I could fall asleep! 

So I say, live exactly the way you wish to while you still have the freedom to do so. Do all the crazy wild stuff you might have dreamed about, all the supposedly irresponsible things you have always wanted to do and all the "living it king-size", while you are still young and able enough. You never know what tomorrow holds...so live entirely for today...and enjoy it to the fullest...and never regret it as long as each one of your decisions are wholeheartedly yours!

Blind Belief...

Has it ever struck you that it is almost as if, if you believe something good, something right is going to happen, then it just shall? It is as if the thoughts, the slight smile and the burst or spark of joy within you can alter your fate, your destiny. That one moment of intense belief and hope can make things go the right way! Just hold onto this thought and let us see where it takes us...

It is this thought that comes across overwhelmingly from the Alchemist and from Jonathan Livingston Seagull and a host of other books from different genres. A lot has been written and said and all of it sounds interesting and inspiring. But it is hard to believe something like this truly till you have an experience that makes you discover it for yourself. As has been for me all my life, discovering things for myself, as if I were the first person to find them, makes it far easier for me to accept and believe. So the parents and other elders may have been trying to get me to accept a fact but I never can till I firmly believe it from the depths of my being.

Perhaps all this is part of being a human being...the fact that we need to experience, live through an event in order to believe...blind faith can be such a bore! Many might say that it is important to believe in the wisdom of elders and to learn so as to never make the same mistakes...otherwise mankind shall never progress. But what is the point of such faith if it means never really believing but taking things on trust...just because “someone wiser says so”! 

Moon Tales...

I have been going mad about the moon lately...every single night the moon looks down upon me in all its glowing luminous glory and I go slightly mad...in a delicious sense! It feels like there is some magic in the night...in the cold night air, in the twinkling stars and the call of “something wild”! I wonder if this happens to everybody...this deep wish to share the magic of the moon in all its moods...the waxing and the waning phases. And the sad part is, even though I can feel the perfectness of the moment, it is near impossible to share. Few people understand the sheer poetry of that exact moment when you first notice the moon and are awed by it; most just think you have an ‘over the top’ reaction, others glance at it and think “What’s the big deal? The moon has been up there in the skies for eons!” and you have to be really lucky to find people who can share and appreciate that beauty. I count myself lucky that I can just call up my sister and wax poetic about something as supposedly everyday as the moon and yet she shall listen to me and let me pour out all my feelings and not laugh at them! And I am also lucky that I have friends who, though perhaps not moon-mad themselves, do notice my madness and yet do not judge me; instead they accept these idiosyncrasies and let me just be!

Perhaps the ‘Call of the Wild’ should be amended to ‘Call of the Moon’ for me! Ah! A moonlit night at the seashore, with the gentle sound of waves, shared with the people you love best in the world is a perfect night! 

Coming home...

Staying away from family is a good experience; if only because those moments that you have to steal and hoard to be with them become so much more precious. 

I had lived with my family for almost my entire life till the time I left home to get some more education. And looking back, it was a very protected existence all along! Life is a lot simpler when you know you are going home every single day to people who love you, no matter what. You can have a crabby day and throw tantrums or have your sweetest day but at the end of it someone is waiting at home for you. In hindsight, it is a safe world and you are never on your own. Funnily enough, while I lived at home, I chafed against all the rules and regulations...no terribly late nights, the parents doling out advice: "Do make an effort to be a little tidier. Your room might be pleasantly surprised to look a little better than as if it has just been through a mini-tornado" or the eternal "Hey you know what...the sun does rise in the East...just telling you coz you have probably never seen it any earlier than when it is plonk in the middle of the afternoon sky!!!" So I constantly cribbed and dreamed about "The day I shall be independent...staying on my own...a free bird..." 

So when I finally did move into a hostel...the first few days were bliss. While other people pined for home and actually had bouts of home-sickness, to me it seemed all like an adventure. Hanging out with friends and chatting away to glory into the wee hours, getting up as and when I desired (though classes in the morning kinda put an abrupt end to that dream), drinking umpteen cups of coffee, thriving in the piles and piles of mess in my room...in short doing all that I always thought I wanted to! This was fun till the time I realised that there is only so much "freaking out" that I can get up to...beyond that life has to have atleast the slightest hint of a pattern. Home was never really a place with restrictions, but a place where my bid for freedom did not venture into the wild zone. Family has this unique ability to let you be just as you wish to...no pretence, no masks...nobody cares if you have a rude day or a fat day (hahaha...those who know me shall definitely get this! :D :D) There is something so comforting about coming home again...being able to let your hair down and dropping all your "acts". It is weird but today it seems to me as if I have the most freedom when I am home. 

And home is not just the place I go back to but the people I love most in the world...people who complete me. I am truly blessed! 

Shades of Grey...

Its weird, but growing up is not easy at all. Everything just gets more and more complicated as you grow up. And I don't say this because I meet so many more people as the years pass by, but because when I was young everything was just either black or white, good or bad...there were no in-betweens. And then suddenly one day, I encountered all these greys in between...and not of a single tone but of various hues...dark, light, lighter and so on. 

I remember, when I was younger I either liked a person or not; I was never confused over the issue. Now it is not so often that I meet a person I like completely. There is always something that I wish could be changed. I know...one is supposed to be all mature and kind and be able to accept the faults and the charms...but it is difficult at times.

At times, you talk to and are friends with people that you are not a hundred percent sure you like. More often than not, this is because you are part of a larger circle of friends and it may lead to too many problems if individuals decided to be unfriendly within the group. So you adjust and pretend but all along you know you are not being true. Now the question is, is it better to go along with this pretence since it is not outright hurting anyone else or is it better to be honest and upfront about your attitude? Anyway, even if you are a fine actor and have managed to hide your semi-dislike (or the feeling of being uncomfortable), your actions or words may unknowingly give away your real feelings! And that is even worse, because the other person may be more hurt that way. It might be better to be straightforward and agree to be cordial but without the entire show about being "all good friends in the group"!!! 

This brings me to another point...the grey shades in everyday life. As a child I was always told that the truth is the ultimate and that lies were a big "no-no". And for a long time, all around me in my small world were truthful so there were no conflicts...but out here in the real world absolute truth is uncommon. Things are true from different perspectives...and all these perspectives hardly ever match up. So telling small little lies and "slightly" bending the truth are all accepted as part of an honest person's makeup. When do you make this distinction between being honest and being a cheat? I agree that living in an idealistic world will never take us anywhere in the realistic world's point of view...but surely we must be able to define a boundary between the truth and a lie. Or is this forever to be a dependent upon the people involved, the circumstances and the consequences? Can there ever be an absolute definition?