'Ek Gypsy ahe majhya khol manaat dadoon'

It has been an interesting few days now. First, it was lovely to be with family after a long, long time! Lucky me :) The only one missing was R but guess no matter the time between our meetings, we shall never have problems of communication and shall never lose that special something we have between us. What say, little miss?

In some ways, going back home makes it easier to let your hair down. You realize that you do not have to always be all grown up and proper. You can be silly and childish, and even terribly temperamental and lazy for a lil while. Laughing over silly old jokes, remembered embarrassing moments, even teasing aai and ganging up on her is fun. Unexpected, but even being scolded by the parents is something I have missed. Just knowing that these are people who are not going to bother whether I get mad or not, but are still going to scold me and put me to rights coz they care for me is enough to make me fall in love with them all over again! It is nice to know I can always go back, that no matter what happens in my life, there shall always be a place to go back and rest and recharge.

Another reason why the last few days have been so different for me is the incredibly unexpected experiences I have had. Discovering so many little things about myself, getting to know new people, interesting ones, even hoping for the beginnings of new friendships... Its been a time for jumbled thoughts jostling for space, tons of self-doubts, indecisiveness (more because the enormity of the decisions frightens me even though my instinct tells me that my decisions shall be right), and yet a time for beautiful moments. A time that I know I shall never regret, perhaps even shall cherish :) And another good thing is that I started reading poetry again. For a while in between I had forgotten about that. Read Mangesh Padgaonkar's "Gypsy" all over again and realized that some things never change, I still love that particular poem. Hence the title for this post.

I cannot think of a title

Today has been a totally different day from my daily routine. First and most important, it’s the day I finally go home, to Pune! I have been looking forward to this time with tons of excitement, and my heart would skip a beat every single time. But surprisingly, today morning I woke up and there seemed to be an air of melancholy on campus. I am still as excited, but somehow, this campus has also become a home of sorts and leaving, even for a short while and even while knowing that I shall be back, gives a slight sorrowful tinge to everything. So much so, that I actually wait eagerly for lunch at the mess, I look at my tiny old room with a smile and I even find myself saying goodbye to the buckets and the staircases at the hostel. As if parting company with old friends...

And so I set forth on the journey back home, to good old Pune, the only place I had ever called “home”, before Bangalore happened to me. Should I feel guilty because I have allowed a different city, a different place to grow on me? And you see it’s not really just the city, but the campus, the atmosphere here, the lush greenery and the warmth of all my friends that makes it so much more special than just a new city.

Anyway, am digressing, as I am wont to do... So back on track… the reason why today was different. I was trying to figure out my exact feelings. The joy, the sorrow and the excitement all mingled together. (Too much emotion actually can make you feel ill and I wanted to just drop everything, sit down, bawl my heart out and then go on once the tears had dried). Having packed my bag (imagine, just one bag... even I manage to surprise myself at times!!!), I bid adieu to the institute for the next few days, called up friends I had not said goodbye to in person and boarded the bus to the airport. Just before I got into the bus was my nice experience number one for the day... The rickshaw-wallah who dropped me from institute to the Mekhri circle bus pick-up point was simply awesome. He had no change for hundred and I had only 16 measly rupees in loose change. His meter showed the fare as 22 Rupees and he could very well have demanded that I wait till he got change from somewhere; but the good samaritan he was, he did not do so. He, in fact, smiled and took the 16 Rupees and helped me load my bag onto the bus. Suddenly my spirits were lifted a lil bit. A smile can work wonders that way. Another smile I met along the way was from a lady-cleaner at the airport. For no apparent reason she gave me a radiant smile and suddenly even the delayed flight seemed like no big deal. All I wish is that there was some way I could let these people, who made me happier today, know how grateful I am. Hopefully, in some way, I too shall be able to make a tiny little part of somebody’s day a little brighter today. Perhaps that way we can pass on the twinkling smiles and make even ourselves a little happier.

Saying it Silently...

I was in the car, next to my sister, on the way to the airport and both of us were sitting quietly, each deep in her own thoughts. The minutes were ticking along, yet neither uttered a word. And then it struck me that between us was a special type of silence... not uncomfortable... perfectly companionable and funnily enough so much was being said, communicated without a word or a sound. Brain waves perhaps? Partings have always been difficult for us and knowing that we may not meet for more than six months was weighing heavy on our hearts. Yet some things should not be said aloud... they lose their significance and dignity then. In fact, some things are better said in silence.

Silence is a funny thing... how does one perfectly describe it? As absence of sound? Or does it have a positive definition of its own? Sometimes silence is warm and light-filled. Between lovers when nothing need be said, between friends when everything has been said umpteen times... those silences are beautiful and vibrant. They donot leave you wracking your brain for something to say. They are complete.

Then there are those silences where strangers meet and are ill at ease, perhaps because they pick up the wrong vibes, perhaps because they have confidence issues... or because they discover that in reality they have nothing meaningful to say. Not that all conversations have to be or are meaningful, but at times even small talk is painful. And so the silence is like a gaping valley... deep and yet empty.

But the worst kind of silence is when people actually want to say something, they know exactly what they want to say yet are unable to get the words out. Fear, the risk that once the words are out there you cannot call them back, fear that everything will change forever... that is what keeps this silence unbroken. And this can be painful both for the person who wants to say stuff and the person who knows that something needs to be discussed out in the open, aired, gotten over with and yet the situation festers on till it becomes uncomfortable and drives people apart. These are the silences I hate, the ones that can destroy friendships, tear apart relationships and leave a mess behind.

Silence and speech are both double-edged swords... each can be used to hurt and each can in turn soothe and mend the hurt. Be careful!

My Secret in Silence

- Lorelei Pablo

You came into my life

Quietly, Simply, Placidly

And my words stood still...

I couldn't express in words

Or even simple gestures

The secret I kept in my heart.

So I loved in silence

Admired you from a distance

Dreamt of you afar.

I wanted to say I love you...

I wanted to say i care.

But cowardly, maybe, you'll laugh at me.

In silence then I will love you...

In silence then I will care...

Auf Wiedersehen! Adieu! Goodbye! Wir fahren heute fort...

It is the season for partings. In a  sense, every day is a day for endings and beginnings... but some days it seems like there are just too many endings and not enough new beginnings and so, many a loose end remains just that... a loose end. As if there was a lot more to be said, a lot more to be done together, a lot more to be lived and laughed and cried about in each other's company... and yet move on we must! Am I rambling? Perhaps. It is just that lately I have had to say too many goodbyes for me to look at everything objectively. It is not even like all the people I bid adieu to are going away forever. Some are just shifting base... but they shall cease to be part of my daily life... and to paraphrase Henry Higgins " ... I have grown accustomed to their faces ..." In life, one must learn to let go. Apparently that is a virtue. But I donot care. I want to be selfish and not let go ever. Just hold on tight and keep all those I love close to me. And then I wonder, is all this just one-way traffic? Coz the others seem to find it so much easier to go on ahead... meet new people, make new friends and yet I seem to be forever stuck in some time capsule... reliving all the old days and forgetting to step ahead into the present and live it to the fullest. Perhaps I am just wallowing in all the melodrama or perhaps, just perhaps, everybody else is actually pretending. Pretending to be strong, unemotional, grown up and stoic. Underneath all these masks are people who hurt at the partings, people who would like to stay forever, people who shall love each other, no matter what! I hope it is so. And so I shall believe it to be so!

Untitled...

It has been a really long time since I last posted anything and this, I think, is a reflection of the fact that this has been a phase of a lot of confusion, debate and self-doubt. Sometimes I almost wish that my mind would go blank, even for the teeniest little while. That would perhaps be so much more peaceful than the multitude of ideas, doubts, questions and halfway-there answers. It is not as if I have stumbled across some great question. Just these small niggling doubts. They flit by, stay awhile and then fly away before I manage to personally rid myself of them. This has been happening for quite some time now, but never such that it made me stop so long and think seriously. 

I think it all culminated when someone told me in a matter-of-fact manner that the only reason I write is apparently so that people may read and admire and talk about it. And that flummoxed me since I had always told myself that I write for my satisfaction, for the creative purpose, even as a personal need for expression... that it does not matter what others think about my writing and so on. The straightforward response from a friend whose opinion I value made me examine whether I had been entirely honest with myself. And when I realised that there is surely a part of me that flourishes on the admiration, the comments and the very idea that there are people out there that read my stuff... I decided that this cannot continue. You see, it has always been ingrained upon us that selfishness is bad. Self-love or an obvious and openly accepted desire to be liked is frowned upon. And so I decided that I shall not put my thoughts out there in the world, I shall keep them to myself, hoard them and not ask everybody out there for their opinions on the same. I stopped posting here. It was almost a case of self-imposed hibernation. 

But you know what, the kind of behaviour where you put your thoughts out and eagerly look for responses (hopefully positive) may be classified as self-publicity and attention-seeking behaviour and hence bad in the world's eyes but the stifling of my expressive abilities is not good for me. It makes me cranky, it makes me difficult and makes me brood. I need to write and not just in private but such that people can read it and tell me what they think about it. This is not just a wish, it is a deep desire, almost a necessity for me if only so that, in my everyday life, I can be happier. It took me a while to accept that yes, I do crave the attention, the admiration. And to hell with all those who think it is bad, it is wrong. I donot think that it makes me any less of a person just because I choose to not be self-effacing. If I enjoy writing, then write I shall! And I shall also thrive on the readers' comments and their inputs. What is wrong with liking yourself and wanting to hear the world tell you that you are worth some little bit, atleast as much as a tiny little patch in the colourful fabric of the world? 

I do not have to ever fit into the rules of behaviour that someone else sets for me unless I personally believe them and they come to me naturally. Coz what may be wrong according to someone else may be exactly what I need in my life, what I have been missing. I think I need to just come to terms with the person I am, good or bad, and then go on ahead from there. Why should I fit into a mould cast by someone else? Life on the fine thin line is just great for me. I donot have to lead my life as a model of propriety and I definitely do not wish to be remembered as a "good girl". I want to live a full life with all kinds of experiences (the wilder the better :D) and I want the freedom to make my own mistakes. I want to also be confident enough that an unknowingly passed derogatory comment about me does not bring my world crashing down. Only when I am absolutely sure of my self-worth will I be worthy enough to face up to the world. Ah! Clarity! And some peace of mind finally. See, there I go, I suddenly feel so much better having gotten all that stuff out of my system. It is a nice world out there :) :)