Saturday, May 30, 2009

Untitled...

It has been a really long time since I last posted anything and this, I think, is a reflection of the fact that this has been a phase of a lot of confusion, debate and self-doubt. Sometimes I almost wish that my mind would go blank, even for the teeniest little while. That would perhaps be so much more peaceful than the multitude of ideas, doubts, questions and halfway-there answers. It is not as if I have stumbled across some great question. Just these small niggling doubts. They flit by, stay awhile and then fly away before I manage to personally rid myself of them. This has been happening for quite some time now, but never such that it made me stop so long and think seriously. 
I think it all culminated when someone told me in a matter-of-fact manner that the only reason I write is apparently so that people may read and admire and talk about it. And that flummoxed me since I had always told myself that I write for my satisfaction, for the creative purpose, even as a personal need for expression... that it does not matter what others think about my writing and so on. The straightforward response from a friend whose opinion I value made me examine whether I had been entirely honest with myself. And when I realised that there is surely a part of me that flourishes on the admiration, the comments and the very idea that there are people out there that read my stuff... I decided that this cannot continue. You see, it has always been ingrained upon us that selfishness is bad. Self-love or an obvious and openly accepted desire to be liked is frowned upon. And so I decided that I shall not put my thoughts out there in the world, I shall keep them to myself, hoard them and not ask everybody out there for their opinions on the same. I stopped posting here. It was almost a case of self-imposed hibernation. 
But you know what, the kind of behaviour where you put your thoughts out and eagerly look for responses (hopefully positive) may be classified as self-publicity and attention-seeking behaviour and hence bad in the world's eyes but the stifling of my expressive abilities is not good for me. It makes me cranky, it makes me difficult and makes me brood. I need to write and not just in private but such that people can read it and tell me what they think about it. This is not just a wish, it is a deep desire, almost a necessity for me if only so that, in my everyday life, I can be happier. It took me a while to accept that yes, I do crave the attention, the admiration. And to hell with all those who think it is bad, it is wrong. I donot think that it makes me any less of a person just because I choose to not be self-effacing. If I enjoy writing, then write I shall! And I shall also thrive on the readers' comments and their inputs. What is wrong with liking yourself and wanting to hear the world tell you that you are worth some little bit, atleast as much as a tiny little patch in the colourful fabric of the world? 
I do not have to ever fit into the rules of behaviour that someone else sets for me unless I personally believe them and they come to me naturally. Coz what may be wrong according to someone else may be exactly what I need in my life, what I have been missing. I think I need to just come to terms with the person I am, good or bad, and then go on ahead from there. Why should I fit into a mould cast by someone else? Life on the fine thin line is just great for me. I donot have to lead my life as a model of propriety and I definitely do not wish to be remembered as a "good girl". I want to live a full life with all kinds of experiences (the wilder the better :D) and I want the freedom to make my own mistakes. I want to also be confident enough that an unknowingly passed derogatory comment about me does not bring my world crashing down. Only when I am absolutely sure of my self-worth will I be worthy enough to face up to the world. Ah! Clarity! And some peace of mind finally. See, there I go, I suddenly feel so much better having gotten all that stuff out of my system. It is a nice world out there :) :)

10 comments:

gayatri said...

completely agree with u dear..u need not worry abt wat ppl say..coz watever u do ppl r goin to pass comment on it.
psychologically it's essential to express urself in watever way possible.
i think tht's being comfortable abt urself.knowing ur strengths n being comfortable with weaknesses.
i dont know whoever proposed the idea that loving urself is wrong,but its so deep buried in ppl's mind,that de dont even value self opinion..ignoring basic human instincts[desire to get admired] for the so called Freudian super ego is very prevalent in society but.
but i think loving urself is v imp,tht's wen u learn to love others n value n respect them really..

Mukta said...

Thanks dear! I think I have nearly resolved this issue in my head. I like the idea of being able to love others only when I love myself :) Almost makes me admire Ayn Rand for her entire 'Selfishness as a Virtue' philosophy.

gayatri said...

u remember u said few yrs back, 'sometimes someone says something that just fits in ur heart'..that happened wen i read Ayn Rand. n wen i read Freud entire picture became clear..clarity of mind as u said..

Dips said...

expressing yourself is not at all wrong and according to me everybody in this world likes attention and there is nothing wrong, it is very much natural.......
and when u r writing nice n people r liking it. many times i am not able to express myself but when we here similar things from others may be good or bad it feels good so u should keep writing
i think it became a little serious
its ok
waiting for ur next expression................

Harshada Pethe said...

Mukta...
I remembered that discussion you n I had in a PMT from Mhasoba gate to your respective homes in Aundh. I remember us talking about our lives, you were wondering if you should get into medical research or something (I can't remember the second thing) neither can I remember what I said. That conversation gave me strength. Whenever I read your blog, the same thing happens. I again see you, true and real.
So, my friend, write... to your heart's content, and people like me shall witness the shimmering light.

--Harshada Pethe.

Rupesh Nasre. said...

One reason I did not find in this post, and which I feel you should think about, to realize that you have thought enough to reach a correct conclusion is that the interaction with other minds, knowing their thoughts about those of ours, listening to them, arguing, helps in evaluating ourselves. Getting happy to see people comment is something add-on. The real reason, often, is because you want to test yourself. What I suggest here, may not be your reason, but I would urge you to be clear about your own thoughts.

And my suggestion does not come without reasons. I have seen you working in Voices and you like to take new challenges, may that be conducting interviews or transcribing them or becoming an MC. The same thing is seen on Facebook applications, when you check whether your are left/right brained or which character do you resemble. Fun is one thing, curiosity is another.

Mukta said...

@Gayatri: That quote is from a TV show. But I did think it very true.
@Dips: Thanks!
@Harshada: Hullo! Long time :)
@Rupesh: I agree with you. The intellectual stimulation, a different perspective and the testing of oneself are obvious outcomes of any conversation or discussion. They are what make the process really worth it. It is only the idea that the blog is solely for the purpose of publicity that made me stop and think and finally accept that this too does matter perhaps (in terms of the opinions.i mean, what's the fun in having a blog that no one ever reads?!) and it is wise to live up to that fact too.

maneesh said...

I've been trying to think of something smart to say to this one since last night (not being very smart myself doesn't help) but I keep hitting the same road-block every time -

Why give a damn for what anyone thinks?

Ever?

Your life, your learning, your mistakes, your consequences...

I'm open to receiving advice on book- and movie-picks though...

PURN!MA said...

Mukta,
craving for that lill attention and admiration is really not bad. at all! just think, if writing was just for us then wouldn't we have a private blog which nobody knew abt? why do we publicize our space? Because we have something to say and getting feedback on the same, whether good or bad, does make you reflect on our thoughts put therein.
Yes, it troubles me to see my blogpost has got only 2 comments, when I know 10 have already read it. I very much value their opinion AND the admiration too. have felt proud when ppl have sed I have the qualities of a full-fledged writer. I'm selfish in that regard. so what? as far as I'm being applauded for the 250 words that I write.

Don't ever get discouraged and stop writing. Blog is a feel-good factor.

Madhurima said...

Dear Mukta,
We see a world in words
that defines what we are
we dream different
we find new meanings
we rejuvenate, we introspect,
we give a thought more than a thought...
Keep writing girl...and love urself for what you are bcos the world then becomes even more beautiful in every color and hue!
Dread ur hibernations and admire ur thought process...
Sunshine,
M