Untitled...

It has been a really long time since I last posted anything and this, I think, is a reflection of the fact that this has been a phase of a lot of confusion, debate and self-doubt. Sometimes I almost wish that my mind would go blank, even for the teeniest little while. That would perhaps be so much more peaceful than the multitude of ideas, doubts, questions and halfway-there answers. It is not as if I have stumbled across some great question. Just these small niggling doubts. They flit by, stay awhile and then fly away before I manage to personally rid myself of them. This has been happening for quite some time now, but never such that it made me stop so long and think seriously. 

I think it all culminated when someone told me in a matter-of-fact manner that the only reason I write is apparently so that people may read and admire and talk about it. And that flummoxed me since I had always told myself that I write for my satisfaction, for the creative purpose, even as a personal need for expression... that it does not matter what others think about my writing and so on. The straightforward response from a friend whose opinion I value made me examine whether I had been entirely honest with myself. And when I realised that there is surely a part of me that flourishes on the admiration, the comments and the very idea that there are people out there that read my stuff... I decided that this cannot continue. You see, it has always been ingrained upon us that selfishness is bad. Self-love or an obvious and openly accepted desire to be liked is frowned upon. And so I decided that I shall not put my thoughts out there in the world, I shall keep them to myself, hoard them and not ask everybody out there for their opinions on the same. I stopped posting here. It was almost a case of self-imposed hibernation. 

But you know what, the kind of behaviour where you put your thoughts out and eagerly look for responses (hopefully positive) may be classified as self-publicity and attention-seeking behaviour and hence bad in the world's eyes but the stifling of my expressive abilities is not good for me. It makes me cranky, it makes me difficult and makes me brood. I need to write and not just in private but such that people can read it and tell me what they think about it. This is not just a wish, it is a deep desire, almost a necessity for me if only so that, in my everyday life, I can be happier. It took me a while to accept that yes, I do crave the attention, the admiration. And to hell with all those who think it is bad, it is wrong. I donot think that it makes me any less of a person just because I choose to not be self-effacing. If I enjoy writing, then write I shall! And I shall also thrive on the readers' comments and their inputs. What is wrong with liking yourself and wanting to hear the world tell you that you are worth some little bit, atleast as much as a tiny little patch in the colourful fabric of the world? 

I do not have to ever fit into the rules of behaviour that someone else sets for me unless I personally believe them and they come to me naturally. Coz what may be wrong according to someone else may be exactly what I need in my life, what I have been missing. I think I need to just come to terms with the person I am, good or bad, and then go on ahead from there. Why should I fit into a mould cast by someone else? Life on the fine thin line is just great for me. I donot have to lead my life as a model of propriety and I definitely do not wish to be remembered as a "good girl". I want to live a full life with all kinds of experiences (the wilder the better :D) and I want the freedom to make my own mistakes. I want to also be confident enough that an unknowingly passed derogatory comment about me does not bring my world crashing down. Only when I am absolutely sure of my self-worth will I be worthy enough to face up to the world. Ah! Clarity! And some peace of mind finally. See, there I go, I suddenly feel so much better having gotten all that stuff out of my system. It is a nice world out there :) :)

Ruts' Poetry :) :) :)

My sister writes poems and has kindly (:D) allowed me to put them up on the blog here...so here goes...

 
FREE FALL

I’m standing on plain ground out here
I’m just an insignificant girl.
Yet every time I stand like this
I feel on top of the world.

It doesn’t look like I am moving
I seem rooted to the spot.
But I feel like I’m in free fall.
It’s an illusion, just a thought.

And when the wind blows through my hair
I feel free without a care
It’s like the world’s in sync with me
I’m free falling through the air.

Maybe coz I’m just one person
There’s no real difference I can make
But when I’m free falling, I’m flying
I leave a trail of happiness in my wake.

UNTITLED

The darkening clouds hang overhead,

All my prospects seem so bleak

Water pours incessantly

Heaven's pipes have begun to leak!

At times it seems, it's not a leak

It's like there ARE no pipes at all...

For there is no steady drip drip drip,

It's a downright waterfall!

I know they TRY to repair it

For it stops from time to time.

But their efforts are miserable; puny at best,

Their plumbers not worth a dime!

It's at times like these that I feel so sure

Heaven can't be all that great...

I mean no place with such horrible plumbing

Is going to find me knocking on its gate.

UNTITLED

When I lie on my bed each night
Sometimes I suddenly think of you
Then I smile to myself and wonder
If you're thinking of me too.

I sit up and hug my knees
And think of how very nice it would be
If precisely at that moment
Your thoughts would drift to me.

I walk over to the window
And drink in the beauty of the night
I feel certain that I'm in your mind
Because everything seems so right.

There's something precious in that instant,
Something bewitching about the stars
It's a special magical moment
Because it's a moment that's just ours.

Rhuta Deobagkar

A rambling post...

Being at this particularly weird age, young yet not completely carefree...independent yet held by many invisible strings, is confusing indeed. I am to be responsible and grown up yet not a stuffy individual. How do I balance all this out? I live on my own, yet I donot have the freedom (or perhaps the desire) to be an isolated island. But I shall never ever be the bubbling life and soul of a group. It requires just too much effort and my inherent laziness revolts at the idea of such hardship. Does it always have to be extremes...this or that...always a matter of choices? Also I have been wondering whether I have really changed over a period of time, over a series of experiences or do I just like to pretend so?

Living on a campus as beautiful as this is an experience that I shall cherish forever, with the many blossoming friendships and the chance for personal growth. It is entirely up to me how closely inter-twined I wish to let these bonds become...keep everyone at arm's length or let them into my heart. Perhaps it is the many hours spent in company and the unending conversations that build up this impression of closeness...it is perhaps all a mirage. Everybody is finally looking out for themselves...no one cares when it comes to the crunch. Each person is trying to reach for their best under the given circumstances. That is not to say that anybody is out to hurt you specifically but someone else's best may be the worst for you.

Is that too pessimistic...cynical? I would like to think it is a journey towards realism. Perhaps that's all growing up means...that you dream but know that dreams hardly ever come true and that magic shall only be for yourself...for your imagination...it does not exist in the real world. Out here all anybody cares for is the end result...have you succeeded or failed? The journey never matters.

I have been told over and over again for quite some time now that I am too trusting, too impressionable, too optimistic and lost in my own world, my dreams, my beliefs and I would just laugh it off and think that people were not ready to look at all the beautiful things out there. But do any of these apparently magical, beautiful things matter? Are they even worth noticing? All these years I have been a naive young fool to believe that it is the process, the people you meet along the way, the million different hues you chance upon, the actual journey that matters the most. But then there are times when you wholeheartedly doubt all that you have trusted your entire life. Disillusionment is good, because it lets you pause and think. Take a break, learn many things all over again just with a different perspective.

I guess all these thoughts, doubts, beliefs, questions and answers are always there fluttering within me. Sometimes a few rush to the fore, sometimes others do but do I ever get anything new from the world or am I constantly regurgitating the same old questions and just trying to come up with different combinations of answers? What is one supposed to do when melancholy strikes with such vengeance for no apparent reason? Even the crashing rains and the thunder and lightening outside cannot wash this mood out. It has become a constant companion lately, sucking the joy out of the little everyday happenings that I used to go ga-ga over. Do I even want to let go? It is a different experience...to not be constantly happy...how boring that seems now. May the questioning continue...mayhaps this then is to be the new phase.

Bits and Pieces...

I'd call a place pure paradise

where families are loyal and strangers are nice,

where the music is jazz and the season is fall.

Promise me that or nothing at all.

--- Maya Angelou

You came into my life
Quietly, Simply, Placidly
And my words stood still...

---Lorelei Pablo

Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high
There's a land that I heard of, once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

25 bits of Random stuff...

1. I have a huge writer's block currently and am unable to think of stuff about me that I might wish to tell the world. Yet I plod along...for lack of anything else even mildly interesting enough to do...So here goes...a heroic effort :)

2. I love to read...everything from science fiction to adventure stories to biographies to romance and classics. At times it seems like if only I have a book I shall never need to meet another real live person. I meet many within those pages and also visit so many places and situations that it seems to me like a parallel universe it is that I inhabit!

3. Ah! But I do wish to travel in real life too! Go see Europe and visit tiny little villages and look at old mysterious places, each with a quaint little story of its own. I wish to meet people from all those far off places and find out what I have in common with them and yet what makes us distinctive, different.

4. Someday I hope to teach small children. Not just as a "social responsibility" but because I love small kids and their inquisitive minds and their unbridled enthusiasm.

5. I love words.

6. I adore chocolates...the darker the better. I love the bewitching smell, the smooth texture, the intoxicating flavour and the amazing feeling you get when a piece of chocolate starts to just melt on your tongue!

7. I hope to see a live wild tiger face to face. But perhaps shall do that as the last thing in my life :D

8. I like to just go on unplanned trips...wander through small shops, tiny little second-hand stores and through back-alleys and open markets.

9. I can be very stand-offish and silent when I meet you the first time. Take ages to get talking. But then there is always the chance that once I get started, I may never stop.

10. I love playing cards and am pretty fiercely competitive about that.

11. I love the moon and rain and the seashore and the sound of running water.

12. I have always been and remain a rather adamant person and nothing you say shall make me budge if I am not convinced.

13. The person I love best in the world is my little sister.

14. Endless, madcap conversations and huge steaming cups of coffee are my definition of an almost perfect weekend. Throw in all my dearest friends...and that is heaven indeed. Arguments, gossip, mindless chatter...hardly matters what!

15. Ok. This is getting more and more difficult. Random suddenly seems like a word with a very narrow scope!

16. I was always a plump kid. And I remain so. Not a kid but the other part applies.

17. As a child I hated learning the multiplication tables and till today have never been able to "know them all by heart". I always need to stop, think and calculate!

18. I have trouble accepting anything on blind faith. I envy people who have that kind of faith. It perhaps makes life much easier.

19. My mom had told me a story about a guy who built a house right over a stream. I would like to build one like that too...right on the slopes of a gentle hill along a path that leads down to a river.

20. My sister once said that our dad is the world's best sandwich maker. I second that. And he makes the best scrambled eggs and tells the most hilarious stories too!

21. Once upon a time I loved to paint. Lately I seem to have forgotten that.

22. People and places, especially from bygone eras, fascinate me...discovering their stories is almost a passion.

23. Am glad that I am nearing the end of the tag. I find it very difficult to write to order. But am an avid letter writer. I love to receive letters too. There is incredible joy in seeing your name on an envelope :)

24. Am a rather lazy person and am amazed that I have managed to stick to this tag-writing/completing whatever process. It is a rare event indeed!

25. I love surprises and puppies and fluffy clouds and my dearest friends and jungle sounds and the smell of freshly baked bread and old movies and new ones. Hopefully #25 was atleast a little random!